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Biggus Dickus and his wife

Shonius Maximus


Elizabeth of Bathory

The Gang's All Here

So Elizabeth is scorching hot, debated as one of the most beautiful women in Europe, royal, rich and juuust a bit outside what we could consider "normal."  Not the funny, excentric, ecclectic type of personality.  Beating maids and sex orgies.  Yeah, that type.  Dated one myself.  But as she got older, she got more sadistic and just plain nasty.  Elizabeth, not the girlfriend.  She was pregnant at 14 from a peasant and you need not think of the number of tudor toungues that sent to waggin'.

At the ripe age of 15 she was married to a Count Ferencz Nádasdy and moved into Castle Cséjthe (now called Cachtice).  He was out kickin' it with the boys a lot so was away for extended periods of time.  Evidently he was a sadist just like she and they teamed up for something slightly worse than than four day old, room temperature catfish covered in kimchi and mayonaise.  As Elizabeth got older, she got nastier, gave it the experimental college try with rubbing rugs with her aunt, got into dark witchcraft and began torturing her servants and girls kidnapped from the local villages.  After her husband died at the age of 51 in a battle, Elizabeth and her major-domo decided the gloves were off and it was open Maid Season.

Principal Welt spanking his favorite bad girl

The story went that while smacking a maid in the face and breaking her nose, her hand got a bit of blood on it.  After she wiped it off, she thought the skin where the blood spatter was was healthier and more youthful looking.  Around this same time, she started deep into the sexual orgies mixed with witchcraft and torture.  She gained an entourage of like-minded groupies and they started killing the maidens.  The stories (not history) talk that they would drain the maidens of their blood and Elizabeth would bath in the blood of them.  It was to keep up her looks, mind you, it had nothing to do with the silky way it made her skin feel and taking you off to calgon country.  The other stories talked of drinking blood, eating of the flesh and anything else that would them them looking younger too.  Just like Palm Olive.

The group she ran around with was an odd, nocturnal group.  It is said that they were very white, like odd, never see the sun type white with semi-transluscent skin and long incisors.  There was speculation that the disease porphyria is what might have of the idea behind real vampires (as opposed to fake vampires).  The disease can have some of the symptoms, but they don't crave blood.  Their skin can become paper-brittle and have a white/yellow cast to it.  Their skin can also become very sensitive to stuff like sunlight.  Evidently, there was one of her entourage that bore an identical face of Vlad the Impaler.  Since he had been dead for a generation or two, it scared the crap out of the local folks who actually thought it was Vlad come back from the dead, all white and pasty and shit mixed with the "orgies of blood" type tupperware parties and you get the modern day Vampire.  The vampire was popularized by the Bram Stoker's novel, but the local legends in Transylvania (always say it with the shaky voice) speak of the rebirth of an undead looking Vlad the Impaler with his really twisted niece.  All told, Elizabeth of Bathory had enough evidence for 40 dead maidens presented against her at her trial.  The unofficial total is 612, which Elizabeth kept a meticulous diary about.  Vlad is purported to have killed between 30,000 and 100,000 people.  The histories say the 100,000 is the more accurate of the numbers.

Biggus Dickus shows that even the most astute Roman Patrician, General of the Northern Army is white...and gay.

Alas, we had none of this Crowley/Levay Combo at Castle O'Donnell.  We had the Roman General of the Northern Army, Shonius Maximus dancing like a little girl.  We had Ace Fraley in all his glory.  We had Zorro and his Little Seniorita.  A cow and Minny Mouse who got knocked up by Pluto.  Angels, devils, pirates, cross dressers, a ton of dead people, a witch, Loki, a Classic Mullet and Cleopatra.  We had Bacchus.  And that boy knows how to party.