The Pyro and the Pendulum

Aerial Demolitions In Springtucky, Oregon

Shon had run up to Washington to get the "funner" fireworks...you know, the ones that require a mortar tube to blast off into the atmosphere.  Evidently, the previous Fourth of July the entire neighborhood had purchased a plethora of funner fireworks and Shon was stepping up to the plate this year.  The night before the Fourth, we had a BBQ at the Muggy residence where Jason grilled up some buffalo steaks, portabella mushrooms, dogs and all manner of goodies.  When we got home, Shon decided to let off "just one" of the mortars he had purchased.  It wasn't too late, something like midnight, but there had been spotty fireworks going off all around us, so it's not like there was an expectation of silence. 

Shon grabbed a mortar, launched it and giggled like a schoolgirl with his first Hello Kitty purse.  It was loud...really loud.  It went off with a palpable concussion, launched a hundred or more feet in the air and blew up, showering the sky with brilliant blues and reds.  Shon looked over at me with a look of awe and excitement.  "Let's do another!" 

Just as he was bringing out the mortar, his wife, Amy, came out.  She was absolutely pissed off, even calling Shon by his full name, a tactic we knew in the past from our mother when she was ready to beat us with a yellow wiffle-ball bat.  She didn't even let us talk back.  She marched out, pointed a finger, let us unconditionally know that we were done for the night and marched back in the house.  We looked at each other and wanted to act bigger than the rather large, hairy vaginas we had just displayed ourselves in front of his wife.  Shon hunched his shoulders, kicked the dirt and put his mortar back in the box with the other 80 he had purchased.

The next day was a series of eating, drinking, more eating and further drinking.  We built a launch pad for the mortars called "Cape Shon."  This would become a weird little concoction for the adults to make as it was painted with dirty words that made us giggle and a dick and balls that made us giggle even harder.  You don't get any better as you get older, you just pay more taxes.

Shon had promised Tanis he could light one of the big fireworks.  Tanis followed his Uncle Shon around all day quantifying how many, what time, what type and all othe manner of questions.  As darkness ensued, we lit off the milder fireworks, of which there was a ton.  But as the sun went down, you could see each street lighting a small preview to what was coming.  And judging from it, the 80 mortars Shon had purchased was going to pushed to it's max to be the best in the neighborhood.

We brought my amp outside and I started the fireworks with a Zakk Wylde version of "America the Beautiful."  Once it was done, we brought out Cape Shon and got it on.  It was impressive.  As soon as we started launching our single, double, triple and quadruple mortars, it was on like Donkey Kong.  There was a group just up the street from us who had as many if not more than us.  Another group on the street over from us was launching, behind us was launching, it was little Beruit.  The haze of burnt potassium perchlorate, potassium nitrate, phenolic resin, polyvinyl chloride resin and strontium carbonate laid over the houses, thick and glowing with each new explosion.  The children ooh'd and awe'd over each one.  My wife absolutely loves fireworks, on a level unmatched by any child watching that night.  Each one she woops and claps with devilish delight.  She would honestly watch fireworks without end and be just as excited with the thousandth one as the first.

All in all, Shon didn't win.  Even his wife said he had been called out.  But just like the Clap, he will be back.  He has vowed it...it is his Destiny.